Dear ginormous zit on my chin,
I'm not sure if you realize that in two weeks I will be THIRTY-THREE years old. I am not a teenager, nor am I pregnant. There is absolutely no hormonal justification for you to be torturing me, so I would appreciate it if you would find somewhere else to fester.
Dear Really Hot Chick at the Gym,
Please do not come into the aerobics room and do lunges while I am trying to get through my ab workout. You have absolutely no body fat or cellulite, big fake boobs and I know you've birthed two children. You are a genetic freak and you greatly affect my self esteem. Plus, all of the guys in the gym stare into the aerobics room to watch you do lunges and that makes me and my crotch sweat stain very uncomfortable.
No matter how cool you think you are, there is NOTHING that will ever make that headband work. You look like a complete tool and Marc Jacobs is an accessory to fashion felony. Please burn it.